Miserable at its best

I am a mess . A completely full of mess. why i say so ? because i cant even stand by my own i mean i loss my confidence. It seems like everything I do, it's not gonna work out as I plan to be. I'm so damn stressful right now. Almost a week I'm crying like a baby .  I just need a new motivation for myself which means me, myself & I , the only one who can give the new motivation. I must get up and kuatkan semangat . it is a WAKE UP CALL!. hmm well its easy to say...potpetpotpet but to do it....gahhh idk where to start. Hm, enough is enough farahin. enough with the but, however and tapi tu! if I keep on placing the 'but' between a positive and negative thing , it would means nothing. It was like words full of  wisdom yet useless with no actions. As I realize now, i keep on giving excuses or blaming on something else for what had happened to me. padahal, it was me who can start and end it (duh, silly gal) . the feeling of being soooooo tiny and loser...i have to bring it out. I'm not a loser but I act like the one.  I can say TER-act like a loser hahaha. because my surrounding and people at here (classmate laa senang citer) which absolutely pandai pandai belakaaaaaa. Maka, terjadilah satu situasi atau perasaan di mana diri ini perlu bersaing to be in the pandai pandai belaka one haha bengong. i shouldnt do that i guess. I just pushing myself so hard  and now look what happen?  i become soo kabut depressed macam orang gila salahkan itu ini. I have to adapt the environment at  here laa i suppose. not the weather ke apa tapi environment bersama manusia di sini haha. its been almost 3 years i stay here but still have  the same problem takleh nak adapt haha. hm i just need a friend (GIRL PLEASE) who i can trust and share what i feel hmmm kat sini susah nak percaya sesiapa. there is a lot of 'kawan' tapi nak cari the real kawan perghh so hard beb. Nak belajar receive load minyak pun tak susah macam tu haha. Yeahh but (the positive 'but' this time) i have to change it from hoping some girlfriend to rely on to the independent farahin natasha hewhew. so i have to start from level 0 and getting higher and higher to the highest level eva (ecewahhhhhh nampak tak harapan tu) . slow and steady. dont overthink & over react on something that is actually easy to deal with. dont complicate it . phewwww ~~~ (breath in, breath out) I CAN DO THIS! for those who yeahhh pandang rendah ke not believe in myself ke apa, im gonna show you that you are wrong. i may not clever as you guys but i will try my best to beat the clever you by doing some  unlimited efforts teehee. wish me luck guys! ;)

ohhh for example, i need THIS farahin natasha; where people thought she cant conquer something bigger or higher than her but she nailed it! (Rindu nak hiking tapi takde duit & takde equipment yang lengkap for hiking meowmeow)